Cheery Bananas Online

Controversial Balkan Bam-stick Vladimir Romanov today continued the cull of top officials at SPL challengers Hearts by replacing himself with son Spanky Romanov after “a catalogue a failures he could no longer tolerate”.

The Lithuanian banker, who has now sacked a manager, a chief executive and a chairman within 10 days announced he would be stepping down with immediate effect amid concerns that Romanov’s obsession with replacing things he doesn’t like with one of his sons is getting out of hand.

“I was working in the tea room at Tynecastle a few days ago when the toaster failed to deliver a bagel toasted just the way Mr Romanov likes them” said Fydor Romanov, replacement for former Hearts tea lady Ruby Mclikesay.

“The toaster was immediately fired and replaced by my brother Mirka, who’s settling into the role.”

Tynecastle insiders have expressed dismay after a further 76 sons were drafted to perform tasks throughout the club. Even the ashes of dead son Miroslav, killed when Romanov fired the pilot of the jet he was travelling in aged 6, have been reported to be “interfering” with first team training sessions.

“It’s a worrying time for Hearts fans; we demand answers” said Supporters Club chief Rab Jambo, before being replaced by new fans spokesman Lips Romanov.

Meanwhile, the makers of popular soccer Sim, Football Manager are set to release a special “Romanov” version of their popular game.

“It’s hugely realistic,” said “Gamespong” Magazine’s Brett Lonely.

“It works fine for the first 12 matches, although it does randomly buy players for you that you’re not interested in. Then it crashes without warning. When you boot it up again, you find you have been sacked, branded a drunk and all the settings are in Lithuanian.”

Police came clean about the fatal shooting of a domestic front door in Solihull today, alleged to be an Al-Qaeda sympathiser and would be terrorist.

Bereaved family The Latchmere’s claimed today that the door, affectionately know to friends and loved ones as “The Front Door” only ever wanted “to open and close like any other door.”

“I don’t know how we’ll replace him," said Frank Latchmere, who hung the door himself in 1972. “Probably down Homebase or B&Q.”

With random police shootings of innocent people bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase “national lottery”, Chief Sir Ian Blair has been quick to defend the recent police action that left completely innocent electrician Jean Charles de Menezes riddled with death holes on a busy underground platform.

“He was foreign looking.” Blair told journalists today.

Meanwhile, Nazi litter tray liner The Daily Express has applauded Mr de Menezes’ killing on discovering that he was an illegal immigrant with forged documents and revealed plans to lobby Parliament to take similar action against other dirty foreign scum, over here to sponge off the state, plan bombing campaigns and illegally provide low cost utility services.

So to celebrate, read below for our first story update in pretty much a year as well!

A Glasgow call centre has abandoned its “Casual Friday” policy after a former Aberdeen football hooligan employed by the company misunderstood the concept and stabbed three Rangers supporting colleagues while wearing a Pringle sweater.

Ex- soccer “ned” Innes Ovinelust then calmly worked at his desk singing off-colour songs about David Cooper and Ian Durrant while waiting for the police to arrive.

A spokesperson for ISP Internetripoff commented:
“It’s a very regrettable incident. These stabbings mean that productivity is down and the team may not meet their targets, as the pressure has been on lately. But our shareholders can rest assured that the victims have been issued a written warning for letting the team down.

On the subject of “Casual Fridays” it’s a shame we’ve had to scrap it. It’s a great way of making our thicker employees feel as if they are being given a perk while we shell out nary a bean in expense.”

In another chilling reminder of the lax security at Westminster, it was revealed today that The Labour Party smuggled a fake Prime Minister into the House of Commons some years ago.
"Blair" as the fraud is known was allowed into Parliament after conning millions of people into voting for him in the mistaken belief that he would represent their interests once elected.
"It's a laugh, innit?" said some fanny.
Meanwhile, armed guards are today on patrol outside Parliament following Police action to bolt some stable doors behind several departing horses.

Literately tens of people could barely manage a “so what?” today as the long lost tenth issue of cult Glasgow litter tray liner Cheery Bananas finally hit the streets.
While the streets remained inexplicibly free of cheering crowds, one man feels his long struggle is over.
Rabid CB fan Plymouth Argyle has been staging a naked internet chug-a-thon since the magazine failed to appear last March as scheduled. With his weight soaring, his wife long gone and his kids calling some other bloke daddy, Plymouth is glad he can now get his life back on track.
“I have some minor health concerns to address,” the au natural numpty told us, “Some physical, quite a few mental.”

In other words Cheery Bananas#10 is out and available from Missing Records, Mono (hopefully, I haven’t asked yet…) and here!

Isn’t life dandy?

Haven’t had the time to get 32 pages of sufficient quality together in time so instead of 32 pages for 2 bucks, how’s 28 for 1fitty?

I thought so.

So far we’re on schedule for the 21st so finger crossed, this will be last of the feverish back peddling until the next issue…

Exclusive to Cheery Bananas Online!

The body of former US President Ronald Reagan was today placed on high alert after intelligence was uncovered detailing a plot to assassinate the recently deceased US leader.
Armed guards have been placed around the grave of the departed ex actor, who's love of installing puppet governments and sleeping through the important stuff gained him a special place in the hearts of many of his countyfolk.
"They'll never take him alive!" Security officer Randy Gubbs told us today from his post near the "Bedtime For Bonzo" star's final resting place.

The plot to assasinate Reagan was discovered as part of captured al- Qaeda information at the root of terror alerts in Britain and America this week, which turned out to be in the region of four years old.

With al-Qaeda apparently planning their next series of attacks at least four years in arrears, many westerners are petrified that they will carry out reported threats to rig the outcome of the 2002 World Cup, blow up the Berlin Wall and disrupt Charles Lindberg's attempt to fly solo across the Atlantic.

Exclusive to Cheery Bananas Online!

Chilling new evidence emerged today that deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein planned a major offensive on portly westerners.
Swarthy nutjob Saddam hoped to make millions by enticing westerners to Baghdad to sample his "Saddam Slim" diet plan, but documents (click on image, left) discovered in Saddam's plush hole in the ground hideaway reveal the catch behind the outlandish promises of weight loss.
Even so, several desperate slimmers expressed dismay after seeing their chance to lose several stone in a matter of seconds disappear following the recent arrest of the brutal dictator/romantic novelist.
"I grew so fat I had my jaws wired shut," says wobbly weightwatcher Taloola Manbasket.
"But I still managed to gain weight by drinking chocolate milk shakes through a big straw and having expensive cake enimas. My husband paid for them. If he hadn't, I would have told everyone down the village pub what I caught him doing with his nephew's ferrets. Now it occurs to me that if I'd travelled to Iraq and had my head cut off for being a brazen Western whore, I'd have lost weight instantly and I would now be without the fat face I just can't stop stuffing!"
In related news, former Iraqi national football mascot Beheado has been replaced by Invadie The Freedom Pooch, in a move seen by many as pro-coalition.
Beheado, who's headless figure used to entertain Iraqi children by showering them with fig flavoured blood from a gaping neck wound would appear at half time during matches with less than five scheduled live executions.
Invadie, who will apparently "act American...", is however expected to buck the recent US behavioural trend of blowing foreigners to fuck before telling them how to live.

With the Government embarrassed last year by news that their much vaunted “Dossier On Iraq” was largely some guys University Thesis from 1991, it appears that more so-called evidence against Saddam Hussein’s toppled regime has also been gleaned from homework, this time from a British student.
Primary school teacher Lala McGione claims an image recently used by the Government, apparently showing Hussein himself at a secret munitions factory on the outskirts of Baghdad, was in fact a painting done by one of her students, four year old Rebecca St. Swithens.
Experts today confirmed that the surveillance photograph was in fact the work of four year old Rebecca after extensive testing.

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, Out August 21st!

Having handed over “control” to an interim Iraqi “Government”, America have revealed plans to help restore the nations battered financial status.
“Project Americaland”, will see Iraq become an interactive fun park for all the family, build by U.S Vice President Dick Cheney’s former company Halliburton.

“It’s a great idea,” said displaced Iraqi villager Usil Falar. “Can I have some food now?”
“We’ll be running Project Americaland on behalf of the Iraqi people, looking after the things the Iraqi people quite understandably can’t be bothered with, like all that annoying oil.” The Vice President told us at today’s launch party.
“Of course, many of Halliburton’s staff have experience of working with Saddam’s regime helping build Oil Refineries while I was in charge, er, I mean, no they didn’t, Saddam is a Hitler, gassed his own people, etc, etc…”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, out August 21st!

Desperate White House officials are set to play their trump card in the battle for Iraqi hearts and minds.
Slick new leaflet drops will offer any Iraqi citizen free satellite or cable installation in time for re-runs of the final series of hit sitcom “Friends” in exchange for a promise that they’ll stop shooting Allied soldiers and generally stop moaning about the fact that they have no water, operational hospitals, food or say in running their own country.
“The Iraqi people are understandably angry about the pigs arse we’re making of things over here,” laughed British Commander in Chief General Rupert Gossington-Gossington.
“But hopefully, once they’ve seen the hilarious episode of “Friends” where Joey gets locked in his own hi-fi unit, they’ll realise we in the West are just human like them, only healthier, with money and houses and tap water and the like.”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, out August 21st!

With British soldiers coming under increasingly frequent attack in Iraq one brave squaddie is hitting out against being ambushed – in the pocket!
“It’s hard to believe that while we’re over here, defending British interests or whatever that we are being charged on average 40% more for texts and video messaging,” says outraged Bombardier Lucky Pipes of the 5th Royal Invaders.

“That means that when I sent a text to my mate Corker’s Ma telling her that he was coming home in a polythene poke it cost me a fiver more that it would have if I’d sent the text from the UK. It’s a bleeding scandal I say.”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, out August 21st!

The brother of Happy Mondays legend Sean Ryder spoke out today about his fears that he’ll be next in the crackdown on child sex offenders.
Following the recent arrests of Pete Townsend, Tam Paton and Matthew Kelly, terrified Wayne Ryder claims he has fallen under police suspicion simply because of his “unfortunate name”.
“I’m innocent, but the way the papers and the Tele have it these days, if you’re not an asylum seeking terrorist you’re bound to be a kiddie fiddler,” the petrified star-sibling told us.
“ I reckon he’s up to something,” neighbour Guts Larue commented.
“I mean alright, he looks like a normal bloke when you see him in the street but imagine him on the news, his face in slow motion with the colour draining from it ending on a freeze frame. I reckon that would make him look like evil incarnate.”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, out August 21st!

With plans for Britishness tests for all new immigrants gathering pace, Home Secretary David Blunkett is now set to demand that foreign footballers also face investigation after it was reported that several members of Arsenal’s Championship winning squad were overheard “…speaking French” by an astonished Highbury tea boy.
“I couldn’t believe me ears!” said Kip Babbage today, in an exclusive article for a tabloid newspaper.
“Lor Luvaduck, I said to meself. This lot are only foreigners innit?”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, out August 21st!

A wheel chair bound man has lashed out at his local authority for failing to provide proper wheelchair access to his local red light district following claims that he has received direct orders from God to wipe the streets clean of local prostitutes.
“No-one seems to be taking this seriously,” claims deranged would-be whore killer Oscar Ladance.
“I’ve tried going down there to carry out my Heavenly duty, but every time I get near the girls they simply run up a nearby flight of stairs and ridicule me and my non-functioning private parts from their elevated position. It’s a very frustrating situation.”
Oscar has demanded equal rights for disabled homicidal loons, claiming that local authorities have been “bending over backwards” to help able-bodied nut jobs for years.
“Did Peter Suttcliffe have to worry about stairs or inaccessible buildings? I think not. In fact I happen to know that one of his favoured routes had been beautifully re-surfaced just a few months before his killing spree began.”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, Out August 21st!

S Club To Re-Package


Following the phenomenal success of S-Club 7 Juniors, with their impish hits “S Club Junior Party” and “Sex Me Up Baby” the management and promoters of the newly reformed S-Club 7 are looking to break their current mould and repackage for an older, narrower demographic.
Lazlo Spoons, managing director of Kindergarten Records explained the thinking behind the “new look” S-Club at a press conference yesterday.
“We've got the seven to seventeen market sewn up," said Spoons.
“We now feel it’s time to secure the eighteen to thirties.”
Spoons announced that thousands had been spent on consumer research and opinion polls over the last few months.
“Our findings show that the most affluent consumers in the 18-30 age bracket are male, white, blue collar or manual workers,” said Spoons. “They like Footie, Jo Guest, Steven Segal movies and heavy drinking so the band has been the repackaged to suit.”
As such, Rachel will now be called Jugs, with the other girls being allowed to chose names from the following: “Lil' Darlin'”, “Ass Shaker”, “Gaggin' Gal”, “Go-Go Ho’”, and “Alice”.
While the male line up in the band stays much the same, they are joined by “Gaz” a Cheeky-Chappie type from the Isle of Dogs.
“Our research found that our target market consider the other lads a little too clean cut,” Spoons told us.
“So we drafted in Gaz who’ll add much needed bigotry to the mix as well as his hilarious habit of touching up the girls while pished out of his tits.”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, Out August 21st!