Cheery Bananas Online

Police came clean about the fatal shooting of a domestic front door in Solihull today, alleged to be an Al-Qaeda sympathiser and would be terrorist.

Bereaved family The Latchmere’s claimed today that the door, affectionately know to friends and loved ones as “The Front Door” only ever wanted “to open and close like any other door.”

“I don’t know how we’ll replace him," said Frank Latchmere, who hung the door himself in 1972. “Probably down Homebase or B&Q.”

With random police shootings of innocent people bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase “national lottery”, Chief Sir Ian Blair has been quick to defend the recent police action that left completely innocent electrician Jean Charles de Menezes riddled with death holes on a busy underground platform.

“He was foreign looking.” Blair told journalists today.

Meanwhile, Nazi litter tray liner The Daily Express has applauded Mr de Menezes’ killing on discovering that he was an illegal immigrant with forged documents and revealed plans to lobby Parliament to take similar action against other dirty foreign scum, over here to sponge off the state, plan bombing campaigns and illegally provide low cost utility services.

So to celebrate, read below for our first story update in pretty much a year as well!

A Glasgow call centre has abandoned its “Casual Friday” policy after a former Aberdeen football hooligan employed by the company misunderstood the concept and stabbed three Rangers supporting colleagues while wearing a Pringle sweater.

Ex- soccer “ned” Innes Ovinelust then calmly worked at his desk singing off-colour songs about David Cooper and Ian Durrant while waiting for the police to arrive.

A spokesperson for ISP Internetripoff commented:
“It’s a very regrettable incident. These stabbings mean that productivity is down and the team may not meet their targets, as the pressure has been on lately. But our shareholders can rest assured that the victims have been issued a written warning for letting the team down.

On the subject of “Casual Fridays” it’s a shame we’ve had to scrap it. It’s a great way of making our thicker employees feel as if they are being given a perk while we shell out nary a bean in expense.”