Cheery Bananas Online

With the Government embarrassed last year by news that their much vaunted “Dossier On Iraq” was largely some guys University Thesis from 1991, it appears that more so-called evidence against Saddam Hussein’s toppled regime has also been gleaned from homework, this time from a British student.
Primary school teacher Lala McGione claims an image recently used by the Government, apparently showing Hussein himself at a secret munitions factory on the outskirts of Baghdad, was in fact a painting done by one of her students, four year old Rebecca St. Swithens.
Experts today confirmed that the surveillance photograph was in fact the work of four year old Rebecca after extensive testing.

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Having handed over “control” to an interim Iraqi “Government”, America have revealed plans to help restore the nations battered financial status.
“Project Americaland”, will see Iraq become an interactive fun park for all the family, build by U.S Vice President Dick Cheney’s former company Halliburton.

“It’s a great idea,” said displaced Iraqi villager Usil Falar. “Can I have some food now?”
“We’ll be running Project Americaland on behalf of the Iraqi people, looking after the things the Iraqi people quite understandably can’t be bothered with, like all that annoying oil.” The Vice President told us at today’s launch party.
“Of course, many of Halliburton’s staff have experience of working with Saddam’s regime helping build Oil Refineries while I was in charge, er, I mean, no they didn’t, Saddam is a Hitler, gassed his own people, etc, etc…”

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Desperate White House officials are set to play their trump card in the battle for Iraqi hearts and minds.
Slick new leaflet drops will offer any Iraqi citizen free satellite or cable installation in time for re-runs of the final series of hit sitcom “Friends” in exchange for a promise that they’ll stop shooting Allied soldiers and generally stop moaning about the fact that they have no water, operational hospitals, food or say in running their own country.
“The Iraqi people are understandably angry about the pigs arse we’re making of things over here,” laughed British Commander in Chief General Rupert Gossington-Gossington.
“But hopefully, once they’ve seen the hilarious episode of “Friends” where Joey gets locked in his own hi-fi unit, they’ll realise we in the West are just human like them, only healthier, with money and houses and tap water and the like.”

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With British soldiers coming under increasingly frequent attack in Iraq one brave squaddie is hitting out against being ambushed – in the pocket!
“It’s hard to believe that while we’re over here, defending British interests or whatever that we are being charged on average 40% more for texts and video messaging,” says outraged Bombardier Lucky Pipes of the 5th Royal Invaders.

“That means that when I sent a text to my mate Corker’s Ma telling her that he was coming home in a polythene poke it cost me a fiver more that it would have if I’d sent the text from the UK. It’s a bleeding scandal I say.”

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The brother of Happy Mondays legend Sean Ryder spoke out today about his fears that he’ll be next in the crackdown on child sex offenders.
Following the recent arrests of Pete Townsend, Tam Paton and Matthew Kelly, terrified Wayne Ryder claims he has fallen under police suspicion simply because of his “unfortunate name”.
“I’m innocent, but the way the papers and the Tele have it these days, if you’re not an asylum seeking terrorist you’re bound to be a kiddie fiddler,” the petrified star-sibling told us.
“ I reckon he’s up to something,” neighbour Guts Larue commented.
“I mean alright, he looks like a normal bloke when you see him in the street but imagine him on the news, his face in slow motion with the colour draining from it ending on a freeze frame. I reckon that would make him look like evil incarnate.”

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With plans for Britishness tests for all new immigrants gathering pace, Home Secretary David Blunkett is now set to demand that foreign footballers also face investigation after it was reported that several members of Arsenal’s Championship winning squad were overheard “…speaking French” by an astonished Highbury tea boy.
“I couldn’t believe me ears!” said Kip Babbage today, in an exclusive article for a tabloid newspaper.
“Lor Luvaduck, I said to meself. This lot are only foreigners innit?”

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A wheel chair bound man has lashed out at his local authority for failing to provide proper wheelchair access to his local red light district following claims that he has received direct orders from God to wipe the streets clean of local prostitutes.
“No-one seems to be taking this seriously,” claims deranged would-be whore killer Oscar Ladance.
“I’ve tried going down there to carry out my Heavenly duty, but every time I get near the girls they simply run up a nearby flight of stairs and ridicule me and my non-functioning private parts from their elevated position. It’s a very frustrating situation.”
Oscar has demanded equal rights for disabled homicidal loons, claiming that local authorities have been “bending over backwards” to help able-bodied nut jobs for years.
“Did Peter Suttcliffe have to worry about stairs or inaccessible buildings? I think not. In fact I happen to know that one of his favoured routes had been beautifully re-surfaced just a few months before his killing spree began.”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, Out August 21st!

S Club To Re-Package


Following the phenomenal success of S-Club 7 Juniors, with their impish hits “S Club Junior Party” and “Sex Me Up Baby” the management and promoters of the newly reformed S-Club 7 are looking to break their current mould and repackage for an older, narrower demographic.
Lazlo Spoons, managing director of Kindergarten Records explained the thinking behind the “new look” S-Club at a press conference yesterday.
“We've got the seven to seventeen market sewn up," said Spoons.
“We now feel it’s time to secure the eighteen to thirties.”
Spoons announced that thousands had been spent on consumer research and opinion polls over the last few months.
“Our findings show that the most affluent consumers in the 18-30 age bracket are male, white, blue collar or manual workers,” said Spoons. “They like Footie, Jo Guest, Steven Segal movies and heavy drinking so the band has been the repackaged to suit.”
As such, Rachel will now be called Jugs, with the other girls being allowed to chose names from the following: “Lil' Darlin'”, “Ass Shaker”, “Gaggin' Gal”, “Go-Go Ho’”, and “Alice”.
While the male line up in the band stays much the same, they are joined by “Gaz” a Cheeky-Chappie type from the Isle of Dogs.
“Our research found that our target market consider the other lads a little too clean cut,” Spoons told us.
“So we drafted in Gaz who’ll add much needed bigotry to the mix as well as his hilarious habit of touching up the girls while pished out of his tits.”

Want To Read More? Then Buy Cheery Bananas #10, Out August 21st!