Cheery Bananas Online

Controversial Balkan Bam-stick Vladimir Romanov today continued the cull of top officials at SPL challengers Hearts by replacing himself with son Spanky Romanov after “a catalogue a failures he could no longer tolerate”.

The Lithuanian banker, who has now sacked a manager, a chief executive and a chairman within 10 days announced he would be stepping down with immediate effect amid concerns that Romanov’s obsession with replacing things he doesn’t like with one of his sons is getting out of hand.

“I was working in the tea room at Tynecastle a few days ago when the toaster failed to deliver a bagel toasted just the way Mr Romanov likes them” said Fydor Romanov, replacement for former Hearts tea lady Ruby Mclikesay.

“The toaster was immediately fired and replaced by my brother Mirka, who’s settling into the role.”

Tynecastle insiders have expressed dismay after a further 76 sons were drafted to perform tasks throughout the club. Even the ashes of dead son Miroslav, killed when Romanov fired the pilot of the jet he was travelling in aged 6, have been reported to be “interfering” with first team training sessions.

“It’s a worrying time for Hearts fans; we demand answers” said Supporters Club chief Rab Jambo, before being replaced by new fans spokesman Lips Romanov.

Meanwhile, the makers of popular soccer Sim, Football Manager are set to release a special “Romanov” version of their popular game.

“It’s hugely realistic,” said “Gamespong” Magazine’s Brett Lonely.

“It works fine for the first 12 matches, although it does randomly buy players for you that you’re not interested in. Then it crashes without warning. When you boot it up again, you find you have been sacked, branded a drunk and all the settings are in Lithuanian.”